In this 4th installment of our Action Audit series we’ll tackle perhaps the trickiest part of the process – asking other people for their honest feedback on how we may be coming up short in relationships with them. For many of my clients these requests for feedback are difficult to send out, and even more difficult to read through with an open mind and positive attitude. And rightly so, as these reports peel back a layer on one the most important parts of our innate drive for status, perhaps one of the central components of our social lives as humans.

 While status itself is huge and hugely interesting topic, suffice it say here that the temporary challenge to our self-perception of our social status is very necessary first step in elevating it, especially if our self-perception is significantly out of alignment with what actually exists in our social networks. This mismatch never works out in our favor, and almost always is an impediment to any and all personal growth and achievement goals. Therefore, it is imperative to first identify where we have opportunities to increase our actual social status by seeing where we have Action Gaps in our social sphere so that we can begin to close them

 Again, this actual practice is much trickier than it may sound at first read. Part of the issue is that these Action Audit 360’s can range from extremely thorough and complex, such as those Leadership 360’s used by many large corporations when choosing new C-Suite Executives, to the very short and simple, like what I’ll suggest here for my casual readers further on.

 Another dimension of difficulty that is largely invisible but massively impactful is the fact that most people have strong aversions to honest critical feedback – both giving it and receiving it! Human relationships have a lot of flexibility and resiliency to them, and a big part of this fact is our willingness to overlook or otherwise accommodate various degrees of our inherent flaws, foibles, and other shortcomings as humans.

 Therefore, part of our challenge here is to invite feedback from our various social connections in a way that feels doable for them and doesn’t cross over into relationship-risking territory. In fact, for this exercise here I would strongly suggest ending all your feedback requests with a clear opportunity for your recipient to opt out of it entirely.

 The final area of challenge here is internal to us as recipients of the critical feedback. As I mentioned last week, all journeys of self-improvement begin with the bad news of seeing ourselves in light that’s a lot less favorable than we are used to doing. It is very natural to react to critical feedback with a wide variety of defense mechanisms, excuses, and rebuttals.

 And while these reactions are normal and expected when we feel attacked, it is important to remember that our goal here is greater awareness of our Action Gaps as experienced by other people. Therefore, the best responses to hearing them are a sincere and appreciative “thank you,” or perhaps even a “Can you please provide me an example or instance where you saw this to help me ground it better in my experience?”

 All of this being said, here is my simple template for beginning a short and simple Action Audit 360 assessment on any Action Gaps you may have as experienced by your community. Feel free to copy it for your own use, and to also make any changes to it as you see fit.

“Dear _________,

I am in the process of doing some internal housekeeping as part of new 60-Day Challenge I’m undertaking. Part of this Challenge is to identify what are called “Action Gaps” in my behavior where my actions don’t quite line up with my stated plans, promises, or commitments. I’m already running the Self-Audit part of this Challenge on my own, but I need help from a few trusted members of my social circle to get more perspective on my opportunities for positive growth and change. I would be honored if you could help me in the process. Is this something you’d be willing to help me with?

 If you are willing to assist me here, please share where you see me having an Action Gap where my behavior doesn’t line up 100% with my stated intentions. It could be something small, like I tend to show up later to events than I said I would, or have mentioned joining a gym for a while now but still haven’t done so. It may be a bit larger, like you’ve overheard me saying things you know not to be true or doing things that otherwise damage my integrity from your perspective.

 I know this may feel risky, or you might think that being honest here might damage our relationship. And I understand that because it certainly felt that way for me when I first looked into this Challenge. However, I truly believe that you sharing your perspective through some constructive feedback here will actually strengthen our relationship by giving me more awareness of where you already see it to be a bit weak and allowing me the opportunity to begin to close those Action Gaps that are hurting me.

 If you are willing to lean here and participate, then please complete the below questionnaire in whatever way feels most constructively honest for you.

 And again, if you don’t feel comfortable with this exercise at this time, then that is great too! I trust your judgement and concerns here 100% and appreciate you taking the time to consider it.

 Best wishes,

_________________”

 Again, the above component of your Action Audit 360 request is just the introduction to the actual 360 questionnaire that you will provide.

 The questionnaire that follows can just be a single, open response question, like “Where and/or how has my behavior given you reason to feel uncertain about my ability to follow through on something?” Or, perhaps something like “Where have you seen a disconnect between what I say and what I do? No answer or example is too big or too small to include here.” Or even, “What have I done that gives you reason to view my integrity as anything less than 100%?”

 Alternatively, you could create a simple list of questions like “Between 0 and 100%, generally speaking, how reliable would you say that I am?” and “What is one thing I could change that you think would help me be seen as more reliable by other people?” You can ask pretty much anything you want here, my only recommendation on specific content would be to consider tailoring your questions to fit your audience. For example, you might have one set of questions for your colleagues and another for you partner and yet another for your boss.

 And yes, I know, ALL of those questions may seem very risky to ask of your friends and family! But what’s the bigger risk? Having them answered in a way that gives you opportunities to address them, or having them remain unanswered and holding you back with them in any number of ways that are invisible to you?