“You need to be more _____!”

I hear this phrase a lot. Most of the time it’s my own voice in my head with the blank being things like “patient with the kids” or “focused during your workouts at the gym.” Other times it’s what my clients are relaying to me from their annual review at work or even just from a casual sidebar conversation with a colleague. Regardless of where and how we hear this phrase, rarely, if ever, does it magically lead to immediate and direct change, much less so to lasting improvement.

However, there is in fact a very simple strategy that can be employed in these situations that will provide immediate benefits, increase your power as an Agent and more importantly, translate over time to lasting, long term benefits. This strategy has 5 short steps:

1)    Notice when this phrase occurs internally or when it is shared with you as advice, and then pause for a single breath.

2)    Get clarity on what is being asked, and then fully frame it in relationship to its direct opposite or another alternative choice. For example, if you are being asked to be more assertive at work then a possible full framing would be Passive vs Assertive, or maybe Reflective vs Assertive. The specific polarity isn’t as important here as is the framing it in a binary choice.

Reflective vs Assertive

3)    Once you have a binary relationship in play then the next step is mentally place this binary out along a spectrum of engagement with your goal quality as 10 and its opposite at 1.

Reflective 1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6.....7.....8.....9.....10 Assertive

4)    Now try to imagine how you normally show up on it, or at least how you imagine that the people who are giving you the constructive feedback generally see you, and assign yourself a number somewhere in the middle.  

Reflective 1.....2.....3.....4.....5..X...6.....7.....8.....9.....10 Assertive

5)    Now comes the hardest part. What could you do, either right now or at the next available opportunity, to show up just 1 number higher on your spectrum? Not going all the way to 10, but just moving the slider a bit?  

Reflective 1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6...X..7.....8.....9.....10 Assertive 

The goal here is to take concrete action in the real world at first chance you get, but only in a low risk, bite-sized fashion. No need to barge into your boss’ office and demand a raise here, but how about simply saying “I see things a little bit differently there” when a colleague offers a random opinion on something that differs from yours rather than nodding along in silent disagreement?

 You might find yourself surprised at how powerful these tiny little steps of intentional engagement by can be in effecting real and lasting change in how you show up in the world. With time and effort, you’ll soon find it remarkably easy to simply move the slider in response to a call for change.