Action Gaps

Back when I lived in Philly, I had a buddy I would often invite into town to join up with the rest of our friends for all kinds of activities. He only lived a short distance away, but far enough that it was more effort and planning for him to meet up for a fun dinner out, a show, or other group activity. Therefore, I would try to plan things a few days out to make it easier for all of us. Here’s how that would go:

 Me: “Hey, we’re planning on getting together on Sunday night to check out this new Thai place that opened up, do you want to join us?”

 Him: “Yeah man, that sounds good.”

 Me: “Cool, the reservation is at 6, see you then.”

 Him: “Great, thanks for the call.”

 However, when the rest of us met up at the agreed upon time and place, he often wouldn’t be there. I would then call or text to see when he was going to arrive, I would often get something like “Uh, yeah, uh, no, I don’t think I’m going to get down there tonight.” This happened with enough frequency that I began to expect him to not show up and began to preemptively call him an hour ahead of time to clarify whether he was actually going to be there or not. Sometimes he would confirm, but most often he would opt out in their “Uh, yeah, uh, no...” style. This dynamic frustrated me to no end,, and the rest of us too. It got to the point that we all joked about him always bailing out, and eventually I stopped inviting him altogether. More importantly, I also began to think less of him as a friend and began to view him with less trust and confidence.

 In spite of this particular planning dynamic, we would still see each other fairly frequently and always had a good time together. So I was confident that the underlying issue wasn’t about him simply not liking me and being too conflict avoidant to come out and say so. But what would explain this habitual yes-to-no fade over the course of a few days?

 Rather than stew indefinitely there, I eventually decided to simply ask him to help me understand how a “yeah man, that sounds good” on Thursday would morph into a last-minute cancellation or no-show. He was startled at my question, and a bit defensive at first. But once he paused and saw the pattern that I described, he responded, quite sincerely: “Well, I guess when I hear the initial offer, I am truly excited and interested in the idea of hanging out, but then I don’t really take it past that point until late Sunday afternoon rolls around. Then, if I haven’t forgotten about it or when you call to touch base, I check in with myself to see if I want to muster up the energy to drive into the city for the evening.”

 Ahh, that was quite revealing to me!

In my mind the actual question I was asking on Thursday was this: “Hey, are you able to commit right now to this plan for Sunday?”

 But to him it was more like: “Hey, what’s your general interest in this idea?”

So when he said “Yeah man, that sounds good,” I would get off the phone and mark him down as a hard yes. But he, on the other hand, would simply hang up with “maybe I’ll see those guys this weekend,” with no commitment at all in mind.

 In short, I learned that for him (and for many other people too) interest does not at all mean action. The missing piece in these conversations was bridging that gap with clarification for commitment.

 I started inviting him again after this realization, but after he would say “Yeah man, that sounds good” I would follow up with, “Cool, can you commit to this plan now or would you rather me check back in with you on Sunday?” Sometimes he would commit on the spot, but most of the time he would ask for a Sunday confirmation call. I was happy either way with this new clarity, and his Sunday decision no longer affected his credibility with me, and in turn, our friendship as a whole.

 Where in your life do you see interest being confused with commitment? Where have you downgraded folks in your circle who do the same, where their initial “yes” response to an idea or request ends up as a “no”? More importantly, where might you be answering with a “yes” at first only to show up as a “no” when it counts?

 These Action Gaps are costly – to friendships, to professional relationships, and to reputations as a whole. In short, action gaps negatively impact one’s integrity and credibility with others. Tune in next week when we introduce the concept of the Action Audit as a way to get more clarity around hidden action gaps in your life and suggest a few ways to begin to close them.