Stepping Up & Stepping In

I recently wrote about how unconscious commitments or fears can leak into our decision-making process and really hold us back from our true Leadership potential. These underlying emotional currents are powerful forces that can hold us back, either by slowing us down or by pushing us to look for safer routes forward. On the other hand, these deeper energetic forces can also add energetic oomph into our decision-making. In fact, many times they are required to push us over a hump of indecision or to firm our resolve to commit to a course of action we are otherwise conflicted about.

 A good example here might be getting angry enough about poor customer service that you are finally incentivized to go through the hassle of lodging a formal complaint. Or alternatively, you might be so deeply appreciative of great customer service that you are willing to sit down and take the time to write them a positive review or send in a personal note of gratitude. Both of these examples illustrate where the opportunity to act was always there, but that extra push of strong emotional energy was needed to overcome inertia or other resistance and actually generate the action in question.

 We previously saw how unconscious resistance is often not the ally it pretends to be, and in fact, often acts against our better interests. Further examination of this flip side of things, where we rely upon emotional energy to inspire us into action, reveals an equally problematic dynamic. But wait, isn’t getting angry enough to complain about customer service, or appreciative enough to compliment it, actually helpful? Sure, of course it is! But what happens that eruption of anger causes us to overreact to the actual facts of the present situation? Or when a touching moment leads to a tearful “thank you,” but then leaves us a bit embarrassed with the messiness of it all?

 What if you could provide simple and effective feedback, both positive and negative, without needing all that internal oomph to actually make it happen? How much more effective could you be, both in Leadership and in life in general, if you were consistently and easily able to make an impact in the world around you, without needing a big rise of energy to come up for you to turn “should” into “am”?  How can you more easily “Step In” when things aren’t going well, and more quickly “Step Up” to compliment and connect when positivity is warranted?

 I’ll share here with you a simple exercise that I often use with my clients who are looking to increase their Leadership Effectiveness Quotient in the categories of Connectedness and/or Competence. The easy part about this exercise is that it can be practiced in all sorts of low-risk, low-reward situations and that confidence and skill in delivering feedback can be quickly increased after only a few weeks of practice.

 Most people find the “Stepping up” to compliment exercises substantially easier, so we’ll begin with this one. Seek to notice those small moments where gratitude or appreciation arises, and then gently give voice to them without making a big deal about it. You want to speak directly to the actions that occurred and calmly deliver your message of appreciation with sincerity and warmth. The power of these messages can be amplified by doing them publicly so that the recipient can get an extra boost of social recognition by those who happen to witness them.

 For example, let’s say that your morning latte at the café is served with a perfect florette design in the foam on top. Instead of simply smiling to yourself, take 10 seconds to thank the barista. Say something like “Hey, I know you guys are busy back there, but I just want to let you know how much I appreciated seeing this beautiful latte art on my drink just now. I know it’s a simple thing, but it brought a smile to my face, so thank you.” Again, no big deal, no extra buck in the tip jar, just a simple and direct positive acknowledgement to the person on the other side of the counter.

These mini “practice sessions” of Stepping Up can easily be extended to friends, family, and coworkers, and I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the general vibe-raising impact they have on your internal and external environment. The key component to focus on is small acts of sincere gratitude.

 Now let’s look over at the much more challenging exercise of practicing your “Stepping In” skills. So many people struggle with these, primarily because they have developed a lot of habits oriented towards conflict avoidance, but also because so many of their previous “step ins” have come from a place of high emotional agitation – a place that does not often lead to measured, constructive responses.

The whole point of these exercises is to practice delivering critical feedback in low risk scenarios and from a place of low energy. You’ll be more effective when less agitated, and much less likely to create further complications in your desire to resolve things. And to be clear, these messages should be delivered discretely or in private when possible.

 First, I want you to look for any and all opportunities to “Step in” and deliver a critique, a challenge, or otherwise negative feedback. Don’t pick one that feels too risky or one that you feel strongly about as your practice opportunity. You want to start with some really easy ones. In fact, the lower your *actual* feelings about it, the better. The whole point of the exercise is to get more comfortable recognizing a negative emotion in very small doses, and then to act in a calm and reasonable manner that directly connects to this emotion but isn’t powered by it.

 Restaurants and cafes are great places to practice this skill, primarily because the business model is based on giving you what you want. For example, let’s say that your burger at lunch tomorrow comes out slightly overcooked. No need to send it back or demand a refund, but you can easily say something like “Hey, I just want to let you know that I ordered my burger medium rare but it came out medium well. I’ll happily enjoy my lunch, and I don’t want a new burger or for you to take it off the check. But I would appreciate you letting the kitchen know that they sent out an overcooked burger. Maybe they’ll pay a little more attention for the next guy.”

 This message can be delivered to your server with a smile, and in a light-hearted, friendly, and discrete manner. There is no need to actually express any of the frustration or anger that was the original response to the overcooked burger.

That is the point of this practice – to speak to the behavior but not from your emotional response. Again, the goal is to identify things that are less than correct in principle, and then speak directly to them from a place of calmness that is not dependent on your emotional energy coming to a boil to move you to a place of expression.

 Ideally, you’ll find several opportunities throughout each day over the next few weeks to practice both Stepping Up and Stepping In. These moments of opportunity should get easier to identify, which will help you cultivate a finer sense of your internal emotional landscape. Also, and more importantly, you should begin to develop some skill and savvy in delivering these messages from a place of warmth and calmness, especially the critical Stepping In ones.

 Effective Leadership can be measured in many ways, but having good communication skills where you can meaningfully connect with those above and below you in the hierarchy will always serve you well.

Stepping Up and Stepping In opportunities are always available, so be sure to look for them today and lean into practicing your skills there. Being able to consistently spot and reward moments of appreciation will increase morale and rapport, and being able to simply correct and challenge people as needed from a place of grounded calmness will inspire commitment and loyalty from those on your team.

All of these combine together and support your efforts of increasing the overall effectiveness of your Leadership.