The Rules vs Shared Agreements
We all know about The Rules. From a certain perspective, they can be seen to largely define our lives. Speed limits, term limits, time limits – everywhere we look we can see how our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are shaped by The Rules.
And as we’ve all heard a million times, The Rules are there for a reason. Some reasons are better than others, of course. I greatly prefer to drive on highways where everybody is operating their vehicles largely in unison when it comes to the “rules of the road”. I also really appreciate the folks with 13 items who patiently wait in the main lines while those with 12 or less quickly get through the Express Lane.
Other rules can be terribly unhelpful, for all kinds of reasons. I’ve come across those same articles you have where silly and antiquated rules are still on the books in various municipalities across the land. Just recently I learned that in Arkansas The Rules say that the only legal pronunciation of the state’s name is where it ends in “saw.” They are very clearly not interested in sharing more than just the spelling of things with that lesser state of Kansas. Also against The Rules in Arkansas – keeping an alligator in a bathtub and honking your horn at a sandwich shop after 9pm. Actually, that alligator rule seems good to me, let’s keep that one.
Anyway, one thing that many of The Rules have in common is that they are imposed by external actors and then enforced upon us all through various means. And again, this is largely for the collective good. But what about in our relationships? With each other, with our coworkers, and perhaps most importantly, with ourselves? How helpful is bringing The Rules into these more tender and important places, and is there a better way of establishing some clarity and shared understandings in these places?
I’ve found the concept of Shared Agreements to be much more constructive here, especially when framed as mutually created and existing between independent, responsible agents. Which sounds better to your ears? “Hey, I have to head out, my wife wants me home by 6,” or “Hey, I have to head out, I told my wife I would be home by 6”? Or how about “I need to work late tonight, my boss wants this finished project on his desk first thing tomorrow morning” vs “I need to work late tonight, I agreed to have this project on my boss’ desk first thing tomorrow morning”?
Notice how the first version in each example has the authority externalized, leaving no ownership left for the speaker? They are just following The Rules that they have been told. The second version moves the locus of power inside the speaker. They are honoring an agreement they have willfully entered. Which version seems more empowering to you?
Where in your life are you just following The Rules given to you, and more importantly, where can you change that dynamic to one where you are creating and honoring Shared Agreements?
