What’s the goal of your goals?
The cold winter light of late January often brings into crisp focus the contrast between our aspirational attitude that marked the beginning of the month and the factual reality that we are facing here towards the end of it. Our progress towards those worthy goals, SMART as they may have been and written out in bold letters on a neon Post-It taped to the fridge or desk, must now be reevaluated in light of actual results accomplished. An honest accounting of our efforts and actions demands to be made.
For some folks, this can be a time of celebration and renewed commitments as early successes are marked and affirmed. But for many others it can be a time of reflection and reconsideration as the reality of any and all shortcomings must be acknowledged. And for others still, this time can be bring up older patterns of disappointment, shame, and despair.
Honoring the important truth that Better is Better, there has to be a better way to approach desiring change and improvement, right? One that leads to a lot more sustainable success, supports deeper transformation, and increases higher level thriving?
A question I suggest all of my clients reflect upon towards this end is “What’s the goal of your goals?”
Here I am asking them to think beyond “getting that promotion,” “losing the 20 pounds,” “finding a suitable partner,” or “building a successful team,” and get curious as to what accomplishing that immediate goal might mean for them at a deeper level. After some time for pause and reflection, answers that commonly come up include “being validated,” “feeling better about myself,” “building a relationship that I can really believe in,’ and “knowing that I can set my mind to something and make it happen.” What do you notice as a substantial difference between the first set of goals and deeper interests behind them revealed in the second set of responses?
The first batch of statements all point to getting things, while the second set all speak of feeling states.
In other words, they highlight a crucially important distinction between what I call Having Mode and Being Mode. And unfortunately, so many people spend so much time locked into Having Mode and trying to get things when instead what they are truly seeking lies in the feeling states that can only be found via Being Mode. I call this error of approach Modal Confusion, and every year around this time it tends to flare up across the culture as large amounts of people begin to notice that their New Year’s Resolutions framed in Having Mode terms aren’t really bringing about the Being Mode transformations that they are really seeking. In fact, Having Mode efforts, no matter of how vigorously pursued, will never satisfy Being Mode interests. Never.
So now what? Especially as relates to where I can provide Coaching support?
Here I’ll share 2 distinctions that I’ve found to be useful for framing up the differences between Having Mode goals and Being Mode goals, and perhaps more importantly, that can be used to sync them up to focus one’s efforts for optimal overlap and workable action plans.
Attainment vs Attunement: Coming up with a list of interesting Having Mode goals is usually pretty easy as they often mean attaining tangible things in the categories of finances, health, and possessions. However, the step that takes things to the deeper level of Being Mode goals is examine those goals to explore what feeling states they each point to in order to see if a larger theme or trend emerges pointing towards a clear attunement goal. Clarifying the deeper Being Mode goal in play can then help you orient more wisely to the list of Having Mode goals and inform your choice of prioritization in a manner that speaks clearly to both. Having greater coherence with your inner attunement goals and your external attainment goals will definitely support a more expansive thriving than not!
For example, in reviewing a list of Having Mode goals at work, the Being Mode goal of “appreciation” might jump out as the deeper concern. Noting this fundamental attunement goal as a primary driver can then help reimagine the initial list of broader attainment goals into more actionable and relevant concrete items. More importantly for our Coaching work together, it creates a very fertile ground for actions, experiments, and exercises that might be run to start to move things in the right direction. In this context, “Get promoted” as initial attainment goal gets cleaned up to “receive clear appreciation from my Boss” as the deeper attunement goal, which gets turned into “volunteer to take on a bigger role in the current project” or “ask for a 1-on-1 to solicit actionable constructive feedback” or “seek mentorship opportunities from highly placed executives” as possible action steps and exercises to consider. Observant readers might also notice how these steps move the “locus of control” from outer/evaluator to inner/actuator...
Goal Accomplishment vs Growth Journey: This second distinction is a crucial one to make in order to bring more focus to your efforts and create more enjoyment along the way (which often, frankly speaking, aren’t that inherently enjoyable. I don’t “enjoy” skipping out on ice cream and cutting back on bacon cheeseburgers, do you?)
With Goal Accomplishment we tend to defer our happiness to a later date, and in many cases, end up missing out on it all together. For example, if we set our attainment goal as “losing 20 pounds in 90 days,” then we have to wait 90 days to fairly evaluate our “success.” Perhaps more importantly, we have predetermined that a loss of “only” 15 pounds will immediately register as a failure to achieve 20. And even if we can then reframe that 15 pound loss as still pretty great, we are none the less inevitably left with a slight taste of bitterness and resentment at that “lesser” accomplishment.
However, if we start by clarifying the deeper attunement goal of “feeling more healthy and fit,” and then combine that with some aspirational attainment goals like “losing 20 pounds in 90 days” and/or “running the upcoming annual 10k in under an hour,” we are better poised to orient towards seeing each little step along the way of our Growth Journey as the mini-victories that they are. In this context, skipping the ice cream is a small win to be savored. As is seeing the first 3 pounds come off over the first 2 weeks. Same goes for those early efforts of building the cardio and muscular strength needed to be able to complete a 1-mile run, and then a 2-mile run, and then some practice 10k’s to see where you are in relation to the upcoming “official” one.
The point here is that the Growth Journey framework helps you focus on completing the necessary daily practices that will lead you towards and to the specific goals that you have set out to accomplish, both the attainment and attunement varieties. Each step forward is progress, each exercise of willpower and application of effort can be enjoyed and applauded. Each pivot and response to reality needed at various checkpoints along the way to increase your chances of actual goal accomplishment can be acknowledged as opportunities and indicators of your increased agency and effectiveness in self-determination. All of which are wins that truly count in the long run.
So again, what are the goals of your goals? How can you avoid Modal Confusion by identifying your deeper Attunement Goals and use them to refine your Attainment Goals? Once established, how can you reorient your approach to success towards enjoying your Growth Journey one day or week at a time to make the success of Goal Accomplishment a much richer experience to be savored?
https://www.catalystforchange.xyz/articles/making-your-goals-smart
